I’ll be the first to admit that I am not a natural listener. I’m much more of a talker by default, but over time I’ve learned that if you want people to listen to you more, you should ask them to do it less. It’s been a journey.
The Emergency
The other day, one of my senior engineers was tasked with solving an issue that effected a customer who needed the fix by the next day. Being a high-ability, over-achiever she took on the assignment and jumped into action. It was a part of the application that she was unfamiliar with, so she reached out to the methodical, detail-oriented lead of our offshore engineering team.
I was on a conference call at the time, so I wasn’t really paying attention to their conversation, confident that the problem was in some of the most capable hands at our disposal. The next thing I know, I’m distracted from my meeting by the frustrated shouting of my senior engineer “to just do what I’m telling you!”.
I quickly excused myself from my meeting, walked over to the engineer, and invited her to take the call in our meeting room. I hoped to both remove the unexpecfed conflict from the middle of the engineering team, and to buy a little time to figure out what the hell had happened.
When Reasonable People Scream At Each Other
I was shocked! I’ve experienced tension with co-workers and worked with some difficult personalities over the course of my career, but I had never had anything like that experience with either of these two. They had always been consummate professionals dedicated to working hard and getting the job done.
The gist of the disagreement it turned out was that my senior engineer was trying to get the offshore lead to do a screen share so they could inspect the code together to try to find the problem, and the offshore lead was adamantly against it.
The offshore lead objected that walking the code had a low-probability of success and was a waste of time, to which my senior engineer would exclaim that she didn’t care. Both of them were furious and frustrated, so it took a minute to get everyone calm enough to have any type of discussion.
The REAL Problem
Having worked with both of them for quite some time, it was pretty clear what had happened. My Alpha-type senior engineer has a tendency to take charge when stressed, and the methodical offshore lead tends to become defensive. With this important task and tight timeline, the senior had started by giving orders to the lead, which introduced stress into the situation and made the lead become more defensive (more stress), which made the senior even more insistent (even more stress), and on and on until the intervention.
The harder she pushed, the further he pulled back, until they weren’t even hearing each other. They both had valid points, and if they had taken the time to figure out where the other was coming from, considered their concerns, and shaped their communication accordingly there never would have been an issue. Instead, each was speaking their own language, worried only about their needs, and completely ignoring the other’s concerns.
Talking With Each Other
I took a moment to let the offshore lead know that I understood that the code inspection was a low-probability approach, but that it was the best one we had. If he had any better suggestions we would happily do that instead, but in lieu of a better idea could we please do the screen-share?
The senior got the solution she wanted, and the lead had his concerns heard and was given an opportunity to suggest alternatives. All together, from shouting to cooperation was under ten minutes, and we had a solution by the end of the day.
It was a great reminder that even experienced professionals are people with needs, insecurities, and desires. We may do our best to leave our peculiarities at home when we walk out the door and head to the office, but that’s completely unrealistic. If you want to truly influence someone or encourage a behavior, explaining what you need is never going to be as effective as understanding what they need.
